I dined with my entire suite, I sat at the table and dug in everything they brought me, washing it down with beer. Oh! I did love this golden liquid! I preferred it more than anything else. Once I was given a virgin, but even than I sipped beer first. I also adored fatty meat and the most if it was juicy with fat, oh it was delicious, real jam. I managed with all this by loosening my belt, and when I met the final whole I announced the end of the feast by clapping my hands. And than I introduced the next point. My Majordomo brought my Emperor's calendar, and then I read it aloud. Today: Kate, Mary and Jane, my extras for the pillow and I worked all of them through. And that was how the scenario had become the custom of the Berliner Castle for long years. But all things have their beginning and their end. The first I was through the final not yet, although I was white as a pigeon. Once, on bloody Monday, my trousers' belt popped. My guard no longer watched out on my gluttony. I didn't remember what happened next. I came to my consciousness in bed, I was so strangely weak, I couldn't feel my body. I reached out my hands to touch my body and around. I felt under my fingers, that I was alive, but there was nobody by my side, how was it possible? I opened my eyes with effort. I could see nothing; everything seemed to be covered with fog. I felt exhausted but I forced myself to look around. Slowly the view became clearer, shapes regained their contours. I could see fuzzily that there were some personages dressed in white moving around me. With my lips dry, I mumbled: Light! The bed was moved towards the window. At first I noticed that it was green all around. Grass, grass! – I said with difficulty and I lost my consciousness again taking the word with me. I kept whispering in my thoughts: grass, grass. I recalled a picture: me lying in a cradle, it was green around me. Ma...ma. O! Look everyone, my son starts to talk. And than my dream movie ran faster. I was running across the grass surrounding the castle, I was noisy, I was rattling with a stick along the castle walls I was throwing stones at noblemen and other guests of the castle. My nanny: that kind of behaviour is not suitable for the throne's successor; wait till I touch you with my cane. A window was opened – My Mother! Clara, bring this scamp here for the dinner, but put his clothes in order first. Our Emperor is angry today maybe looking at his son will cheer him up. And than the dreamy picture changed again: there was a grey old man, thin as a stick. His Majesty today we are learning how to behave. I showed him my tongue in answer. He: Go to kneel on stones! No! He shouted: Servants! The scene faded away, and the fallowing came: the throne chamber, the entire suite gathered around. There was a grey old man sitting at the podium, he wagged his finger at me, I came closer, I was frightened and I kneeled. He picked my ear: go to gambol some more, as much as you want. These are your last moments of messing around. I broke free ashamed and ran away to the park. My eyes met eyes of my cousin, who was our guest. Oh! That's you, I was waiting for you for so long, it took almost eternity. Come! I love. Frightened again I run away to nowhere. My dream vanished, my passion brought me back to life. I opened my eye-lids slowly, it came with difficulty, they were somehow heavy. There was a fog around me again, there were some personages, without contours. I was so weak I could hardly say: Light! I can't see. The bed was moved near the window again. My eyes sparkled with stars blinded with brightness. I shouted with effort: Sun! Sun! And I fall into heavy dream in fever. I saw a wedding in front of my eyes. Me as the main hero and my cousin, a foreigner. My family and guests in the background. My father said at the end of the ceremony: Since today you are bearing your life on your own shoulders and count for no help. And than he snarled with a smile: And in not long time I will add my burden to it. You will see how sweet can the burden be – and he laughed broadly – good luck young bull. I answered: Father I won't let you down. And he said: We'll live, we'll see. The history and the council will judge your actions. I haven't given you good example. Father what are you saying? Exactly, what you've heard. Quiet! During that part of my life, my most important battles took place in my bed. I went through Stalingrad and Waterloo, my children are proofs for that. When that movie was over, new one emerged immediately. My father died, my mother became a widow and she came in succession. The cathedral's bells made ceremonial noise. There was a Ruler, there is a Ruler. I got it made and I opened the book with unfinished history. Treadmill of everyday living started to work, I was overwhelmed with the Emperor's obligations. But the total authority was also fun, I used it fully. I will show you! A typical scenario came in my dream. The state secretary came and said: His Majesty, a nobleman from Saxony is waiting to be heard, it is already a week now. And I answered: Let him wait some more, he will feel more respect. Oh! His worry was amusing me. He owed me taxes, he wanted to ask for relief and he wasn't the first one. I didn't allow him to come to his voice. I kept interrupting to confuse him and humiliate him so that he became frightened. That was why I was exalted on the pedestal. I ended: Feed my soldiers and we will be quits, otherwise I will take my money by force and you will be left naked. But he turned out to be an idiot and he sent me his wife. Oh, that is not the way, you yokel, you won't trick me with chaff. The woman kept both feet on the ground, she confronted with reality without hesitation. Take it easy Madam. Oh My Sweet Emperor, we have nothing. Look I can't even afford to buy some panties. And she pulled her dress up. I was waiting for that. I shouted: Servants! Beat her ass severely and put her into dungeon. Imprisoning the wife worked as catalyst, my debtor and I soon agreed. And therefore the things which were Caesar's were rendered unto Caesar. I found my way to cope with enemies, showing them the power of my fist during hunting for rabbits or pheasants. Oh it gave me so much joy to annihilate! I did it with true passion, my opponents had no chance, I was the champion. I ran after my prey amongst bushes and across meadows. Scared birds flew into the sky. Than I pointed my gun at them and only feathers flew. Oh! Let other rulers know who I am, Genghis Khan of nowadays. I was shouting at the top of my voice while I was pointing my gun at my prey: Now, I am killing rabbit Tim of Ubu King. And boom! And now, it is rabbit Lulu, it came from Biddytown. And puff! Sounds of hunting always scared my court, they were afraid I was going to change the area of hunting and enter the castle. But I was not Caligula I let cadgers stay with me until they become unbearable, than I sent them away with slight move of my finger. I knew that foreign legations were spying on me from behind bushes; they wanted to see what the condition of my Empire was. This meant what was my condition! I warned them not to touch the lion! And I filled their asses with salt. Shot and harmed, they were screaming from bushes – Ajajjaj. They were injured and they wrote their secret reports during nights, the light put on till morning. I gained tributary gifts from them in the end. Oh Your Majesty, we are polite, don't shoot. I was good at leading the politics game on the chess chart. I could always obtain the result I wanted. I was observing duels as an arbiter and I set the rules of the game, according to what was most suitable for me. It happened that a chess pawn raped a Quinn. Well, why not? That pleasure however was paid by a King. I turned my head away when one was wanking off or ones' meat was beaten. Surrounded with spectators I looked black at their faces. I watched out not to be catcalled and I fallowed the majority. All the time I kept the expressionless face of a noble judge, holding firmly the strings of the game. Everything was according to the rule: the opponent knows it, but the supporter losses his pawn. I kept my eyes on the chess chart and I didn't get lost. The energy to live broke the movie. Once again I made connection with reality and shouted: Light! Again, the bed was moved towards the window. I saw yellow leaves flying in the air. I gasped: Leaves! Leaves! The effort was so huge that I fainted and dreams came again. I saw a feast on the castle, my first-born son was getting married and I felt the heaviness of years on my shoulders. I could see it clearly, the wheel of life was closing, I couldn't resist, I had no chance, I needed to bow out. And my wife on the contrary looked after her bevy like lioness. I needed to tell her sharply. Don't soften them, let them become tough. They are in their years already, and have their sense. Let them hold the string on their own. And I encouraged them to hunt in order to keep them in shape. And I was drinking mead while I was listening to my children's confession. I called them according to their age and examine. What can you tell me? Another part of the series was on. The oldest son begun. I caught the representative of the Eastern Empire while he was negotiating with our army quartermaster. For shoes delivery for the army he offered the share of 15%. And what? I kicked the ass of the foreigner with such force that he flew right back to his homeland. And I punched the quartermaster's nose and left him naked. Now, try to mess with our business again and I will cut off your bollocks. Very well my son, I scratched his head. Now the next one. My Emperor, My father, I am better that my brother. Quiet you snot! I will punch your nose, don't you try to mess up with your older brother, although he's more stupid. Watch your mouth! You can get hurt. You will stay in his shadow. He cried and run to his mother. Now you my sweet daughter. My beloved Father. The son of the Northern Empire's ruler is our guest. He seems to be interested in me but he asked what I would bring as my dowry. Damn it, if it came to that matter I was loosing my sense of humour. If that is the only thing he cares about, I don't give a shit for such a son-in-law. Tell him to get lost! I won't let anyone to divide my Empire, and there's another poor man willing to get to my meadow. And I completed the session saying »the familial confession is ended!« But I felt scared somewhere inside, as always when I was alone. Everyone wanted to gain some happiness on that vale of tears. To be honest the only joy which left for me, was playing with my grandchildren. When only I could I ran to them. We played in the sandpit; we built sand castles and monuments. I bantered with them, I took their toys. In revenge they took my crown and tried it on, taking it one from another. Heavy, isn't it? I asked. But the burden is so sweet – they said. Wait till your time comes. Tired with my dream and my life I was waiting for the end. I was interrupted with knocking. Who's there? I asked. I am from There – I heard the answer – now it's your turn, now get ready. Take me, my life story is written. I gathered quickly my notes together. I started with what was out of hocks. There were a lot of such things. But a voice inside me said, mention also the dark sides, there is more of them. I felt confused. I felt frozen. In my dream I shouted: Winter! Winter! My head fell down, my body became weaker, my eyes on the pole. I died. And I arrived There as a soul. They looked at me and weighted my actions here on the Earth. The verdict was: an average man. I breathed a sight of relief, that's not so bad, and my hands were dirty of blood and mud. I couldn't do it differently on that post, even if I wanted. Looser meant being sentenced to death. I was waiting afraid what they were going to do. I was sent into the space as an atom, I was flying in the endless space, meeting on my way similar cases. I met my ancestors as helpless as I was. In some astral time I was pulled with magnetic force to Earth. I became a grass. Oh my youth! Happy, I wanted to stay green as long as it was possible. But I was mowed with the grass and I evaporated with green into the sky. When the weather changed, the colour of youth vanished and the sun came. Oh manhood! I wormed the ground with my rays till the moment of harvest. The sun vanished, everything started to wither and I saw leaves flying around, unneeded. Oh senility! The Earth changed its position, it started to snow, winter came. Oh death! I froze annihilated forever.
(translated by Magdalena Połec)